Remember that upmarket wedding fair I mentioned in my last post? Well, they had loads of beauty vendors representing, and by ‘loads’ I mean ‘an almost self-confidence-destroying amount’. Because I had no witty responses on me at the time, I’m doing the rational thing and writing a passive-agressive open letter.
To the well-meaning lady who gave me a Clarins sample gift bag:
I am 20 years old; I do not need extra-firming day cream, night cream or skin rejuvinating lotion. Also the foundation you supplied is far too dark for my skin and far too pale for the many non-white brides present at the wedding fair. Unfortunately not everyone has a natural skin tone of 08 Sunlit Beige. Thanks anyway.
To the people offering discounted fake tan:
It’s true, I am incredibly pale. However, I’ve found that this is a look that I am happy with, and to be seen in public with fake tan would utterly destroy the vampire queen/Snow White image I’ve struggled so hard to create. I hope you understand.
To the teeth-whitening people:
My mum always taught me to brush twice daily with a respected brand of toothpaste. It might just be an old wives’ tale, but it totally works!
To the hair extension people:
Despite looking mild-mannered and unthreatening, my hair is actually a sentient lifeform that lives on my head. It eats hairpins and grows at an alarming rate. I accidentally set it on fire the other day, and it doesn’t look any different. I believe Rob Zombie is in talks to direct a horror movie based on my hair. Do not anger the hair.
To the personal image consultant:
In answer to the questions printed on your flyer:
“WHERE DO YOU START?” – Pick a look you like, the rest pretty much falls into place.
“What is your best white?” – You know that dazzling shade of white that amazes housewives on every stain remover ad ever? That white.
“Do you know how to choose the right colour scheme?” – Pick a bunch of colours, if they clash just tell people the colour scheme is ‘bold and innovative’.
“Do you know how to style the wedding party so everyone looks their best?” – Nope, that’s why I’m asking them for input.
To the woman who asked me if I’d considered cosmetic surgery:
Die in a fire.
To anyone who knows anything about beauty at all:
I have a few questions…
1) I have really dark circles under my eyes, how do I get rid of them?
2) How can I stop myself chewing my nails and cuticles? I’ve tried that icky-tasting nail polish stuff but it hasn’t worked.
3) Does anywhere sell non-sticky, nice-tasting lipglosses/chapsticks? I ask for the benefit of my groom.
Sincerely,
(Woo, check me out, I got a signature…)
By Proud father